The more I think about it, the more I want Tim to be the Riddler AU sidekick because they’re MADE for each other, like, they’d be private detectives and then they’d commit low-level crimes and just be smart together and Tim would keep Eddie from doing Very Bad Things and Eddie would be Tim’s friend because lord knows that kid needs his friends—
AND I made myself sad.
Okay and I really want Dick to be Catlad? Like, I know that’s Tim’s territory but, like, as an AU to the main Catlad AU he’d have ended up as Catlad because flips and shit and also I like really want him and Selina to be best friends/brother-sisterly and she’d take him in and teach him her stuff and then he’d go to college and they’d have such a better relationship than Dick and Bruce have because she’s not a great bag of batdicks.
And Jason I don’t know Jason could be his own criminal turned his own vigilante after he realizes that he wants to help people on top of just surviving and he still ends up the Red Hood but without the negative emotions towards it and he’d be kind of like the Punisher but I mean still Jason? Like, he’d still have the same policies about killing but I can’t decide if he’d be angrier or not? I guess I’d have to flesh out how his life would’ve been different immediately after not getting picked up by Batman.
And I kind of want Steph to inherit Cluemaster and have clever adventures with Tim and Eddie because turns out she’s, like, a junkload smarter than her dad?
And Cass, baby, Cass would be aimless because in this AU Bruce wasn’t taking sidekicks and he wasn’t letting kids run around as heroes, so he never took her in, and so she’s not an assassin, but I don’t even know what she’d be doing?
I like to think she took on an Angel of the Bat-type persona after meeting up with Helena, and she’s not a sidekick, her and Helena are partners, they’re both learning from each other even though that sounds corny and shit but it’s true, like, nobody’s really taking on the mentor role because they’re both experts in some things and dumb in others.
And one day they all end up in the same place at the same time? Like, an abandoned warehouse where they’re all holding a sting because they’re not on speaking terms with each other so it’s not like they’re coordinating this shit.
Steph and Tim are solo just chilling out telling jokes. Dick and Selena are staging a heist because he’s home from college and this is how they bond, dammit. Jason’s looking for blood because he has evidence that the smugglers he’s tracked here are also human traffickers and lol not in my city fuckwads. Cass and Helena are investigating the smuggling ring, but don’t know about the trafficking, so they’re kind of wondering why this guy’s snarling so much and also Jason says ‘bamboozled’ in casual conversation because of course he does.
And then Batman shows up.
And he takes out the smugglers and everyone emerges from their corners and they all stare each other down and then Bruce says something very Bruce-like, “No other vigilantes in my city” or some shit, and Steph starts laughing, no, guffawing because is that really his voice is that what you sound like all the time you dork?
And Tim’s like so you’re the Batman, huh?
And Dick and Selena already know him, so they’re like sup, and Dick turns to Steph and “he literally sounds like that all the time I think it’s stuck” and they cling to each other laughing and Jason’s all /seriousface because he’s an avenger of the innocent, dammit, but oh my shit does that thing on your chest glow in the fucking dark?
And Tim’s staring because he used to read about the fabled Batman when he was a kid and he actually exists? and he’s fangirling just a tad but he can’t let Steph see because then he’d never hear the end of it.
Cass and Helena are chatting with Selena about what losers she got saddled with and Selena’s all “don’t pin this on me I don’t even know the Quiz Team” and Cass is kind of giggling because Jason’s putting his fingers up on either side of his head and growling “I am vengeance, I am the night…” and Dick’s draped himself on a crate twirling his goggles on his finger and smiling and Steph’s punching Tim in the arm because she saw his fangirling, she always sees. And she goes and pokes Jason on the shoulder and hauls herself on his shoulders so she can be the cowl and Steph’s all “GO-GO GADGET BATMAN” and Tim’s like “I think you’re mixing up your references” and Steph’s all “ca-caw” because she can’t think of any bat noises.
And Bruce’s sitting there with his bundle of crooks and what the fuck and why the fuck and how the fuck and dammit he’s got to get home Alfred’s out of town and he doesn’t want to think about what Damian’s doing in the cave and if he’s invited those two kids over again—
This got out of hand and I apologize.
Oh my God, this is awesome! And now I can’t stop thinking about Bruce being a first time Dad with Damian. But maybe it’s not so bad because there isn’t any precedent for Batman allowing kids to fight crime, so he could say “Not until you’re older” and not have it be utterly ridiculous.